I have been suffering from a life threatening malaise – it’s called fear of lack. Yes, fear of lack, not lack of fear :)).
Ever since I can remember, though to tell you the truth I would like to know that exact moment in time when the wheels turned and I was no longer the same person, but for the life of me can’t, anyway to get back, ever since I can remember, I have operated from a head and heart space called “lack”. Believe you me it’s draining. It’s almost like being a character in a Stephen King novel, with ears pricking up at the slightest noise, wondering what that ‘heart pumping’ adrenaline was doing in your chest, worried sick of today, tomorrow and the future, hassled about ‘when, God, when?’ and those desires piling up alongside the “no, can’t, but.” So bloody energy-sapping I tell you. When would ‘it’ go away??
Would open my eyes in the morning and think of the day ahead and a slight groan would escape my supposedly rested body. I’d go to sleep at night and would keep thinking of “why the hell was the day so crappy?” and “I really have to get rid of the car, but…”. It’s the same story on a carousel, sitting on different horses every day, going round and round and bobbing up and down in that head of mine.
Yes, of course over the course of this journey of mine, there has been trepidation, a ‘giving up’ attitude, a fight and things will get right mindset, a digging deep into my inner reserves to figure out a way from this dark and brooding place called ‘lack. It was really like moonscape – bumpy, thoughts that’d float into my mind, even they weren’t full of gravity, dark, forbidding and as I turned it over in my body, heart, spirit, I’d sometimes see the sun.
I have probably not named it so specifically, but every coach or counsellor would tell me, “shit happens, so get used to it, this is it”. It’s like Olivia Pope telling Cyrus Beene, the Chief of Staff to POTUS when he’s packing his stuff after resigning from his post:
“When did you decide to let them ruin you? So your life’s unfair so WHAT? That’s how it is. So they’re mean girling you in the press? So you lost someone you loved. You lost the one person who felt like family. Well grow the hell up because that is how it is. The Cyrus Beene I know doesn’t hide in his half empty closet and wet his pants like a little BITCH BABY.
The Cyrus I know is a patriot. He bites the bullet and he does what he takes to serve the republic at all costs. And I wanna know right now in this moment who you are! Because the pathetic shell of a person I’m looking at does not deserve to stand on the Presidential seal in the Oval Office let alone tell the president what to do. WHO ARE YOU CY? … SO YOU’RE NOT A BITCH BABY? I DON’T KNOW BECAUSE YOU STILL SOUND LIKE A LITTLE BITCH BABY TO ME!”
Wow! Now isn’t that something? Life is hard, life is tough, there are sunny days and moony days and rainy days, and this is how it is. It’d be a darned sight better if I just fugged the hell out of ‘lack’ and decided to stop being a bitch baby. And at least for the time being, I’ve decided that I’m going to operate from ‘abundance land’. This whole business of “am so tired, so scared” is so bloody trite and nonsensical. Of course I am tired and scared, but for God’s sake, so what, that’s how it is. I’ve gotta grow up and say, ‘come on, show me what you got’, because if I get some I should be up to it to give back some with interest.
For if you got no fight in you then the Universe is also shaking its head and going “bitch baby, poor baby, so tired of trying to get her up and running”. Yeah, that’s how the story goes.
So it’s Operation Abundance now and let’s see what the Universe throws at me. Will keep you posted. In the meantime, if you’re suffering from this bitch called ‘lack’, my advice? Grab it, tear it, fart the hell out of it and get going. You got one life to live!