It is. Exhausting. Thinking. Doing. Being more. Doing more. More. More. More.
While living day to day I take myself so seriously. Imagining scenarios in my head which are fearful. Imagining that my life will go on forever ( silly me of course). What if:
the elevator doors don’t open and I can’t get out, and no one knows that I am stuck in the elevator and my lovely mother fears for my life and then there’s no insurance on my life and so how will ma survive, will there be friends and family who will worry or shed tears if I die and have nice thoughts about how I was as a friend or will they be secretly happy and shrug their shoulders and carry on, while all the time I am spiralling into nothingness and life ebbs and breaths stall and thoughts are in a rush, regrets sharpen their claws, memories cloud my eyes, and slowly….my thoughts are what if….
Sigh! We live our lives in the fear of “what ifs” and allow ourselves to spiral out of control, navigate our days gingerly, breathe heavily, despondently look into our styrofoam cup of Starbucks or whatever cappuccino that’s the flavour of the day, worry creasing our brows, EMI fever gripping us in its fury, loneliness wickedly winking back at us from the foam of the latte, the rents spiralling out of control as we totter on the high Prada, the trillion sites exhorting us all to “live our lives to the fullest”, our tired shoulders drooping under the weight of our unfulfilled potential that every self help, successful blogger and Internet-preneur is pointing out to us much to our disgust and chagrin ( pile it on, pile it on), and on and on the carousel of life leads us on, and we helplessly give in to the what ifs.
And then “what if” changes colour. The day looks brighter, that cute guy at the bus stand gives you a smile, you get a cab on a rainy night, the boss writes a thank you mail, the vacation looks possible, that new dress actually fits, and you see a rainbow, you even have an orgasm, the cancer is in remission, your teenager son microwaves the food, the boyfriend massages your feet and doesn’t want sex in return, the publisher says ” we accept”, and the world looks conquerable. Because it is. You feel invincible. Because you are.
So what changed? Just the colour of our perception.
Sigh! If only we lived our lives the way it should be. But “what if” there’s a cyclone, what if Wall St. crashes,….awww come on!!!!!