That ‘blank’ feeling!

I’m sitting here, at 11.11 pm IST, knowing that I must put out something since I have got a rhythm going for posting my blogs and don’t want to slip up and fall off the wagon once again as I did months ago and wondering what the hell to write as I usually have something that I take note of and make it a point to note it down in my mental Evernote and think, “hmmm…I’m gonna write about this today,” and I sit down to write it but today, tonight as I sit down to write, what strikes me first is the amount of spam that I somehow manage to accrue, like grease on a frying pan accumulated after years of frying and oil and fat and what-not and how the folks at WordPress.com can’t really do anything and I start wondering about why are there trolls and what do these bots or people get out of spamming people’s innocuous blog posts with crap that even they wouldn’t understand and what secret deadly mission are they accomplishing by littering my blog space with crap like this and then go on to think about the spam which mostly seems to be for porn sites or pornographic material or stuff of some sort but most of it is gibberish AND most of it seems to be generated from one blog post of mine and how I from there my mind wanders to the ‘lousy clients’ and how I have to somehow manage to keep my head above water as I seem to have expenses spiralling up and income spiralling down and how I seem to have lost my mojo and suddenly I feel desperation bubbling up and I know I have to hang on to my sanity as I wonder what I’d do if I suddenly found out if I had cancer and yes the mind is in a loop and I’m breathless.

Phew!

I guess this is what determination and grit feels like. Doing what you need to despite how your heart, body and mind prance about in the opposite direction determined, yes absolutely determined to wreck your equilibrium and envelope you into dreaded negative patterns of thinking and being and doing.

I churned out this piece and however bizarre it might be, I’ve tried to make sense of that ‘blank’ feeling. I have perhaps become ‘comfortably numb’.

The Uncomfortable Truth and Meltdowns!

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Banking on Truth

 

So I had a meltdown today. My life coach had to bear the brunt of it. I bared things that I’d only ever dared to bare to myself. I say “dare to bare” because it takes gumption and courage to be truthful and honest with oneself because Truth as they say is bitter. And courage doesn’t come by the bushel load you know.

When saying what I did to him, it brought out into the open something that was raw, tender and obviously very significant. I realised that I could say these things to someone who I thought would be non-judgemental. We use these terms such as non-judgemental so deftly only because we want so much to believe that it’s okay to share our deepest anxieties and fears and shames with these people. When a meltdown takes place like mine today, I feel, it’s okay, he/she’s non-judgemental. Wrong! We are ALL judgemental. And if anyone tells you otherwise it’s a load of BS! Be that as it may, for now, believing in it is convenient.

So am not courageous enough to share what my meltdown with you. What has been spinning around like a carousel in my mind, for some strange unrelated reason is how much we take our life for granted.

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Life, granted!

When I think of all the little things that actually go like clock work in my life, I am gobsmacked by Life’s magnanimity and selflessness.

a) You wake up in the morning to the sound of dawn and the light of the sun. In most nations and places around the globe I think that holds good right? It holds good for me. I don’t even think about it. Until now.

b) When I go to the bathroom to brush my teeth aching to be cleaned, there’s water in the tap and the light bulb streams light. The paste is there, the tooth brush is there, all waiting in the wings to make their entry. They’ve been waiting all night to play their part.

c) The refrigerator works, fresh milk is delivered (unless there’s been an emergency with the milkman, or a riot or a ‘bandh’ or a natural disaster), there’s enough LPG in the cylinder, the gas light works, the gas stove is on and tea/ coffee bubbles away happily spouting steam.

d) The paper is delivered every single day of the year unless the publication is shut for a festival.

e) Mornings come alive every day and have been doing so for millennia and what do we do? We take it for granted! “Oh morning? Morning, who? Er…morning! Hmm, morning eh?” No respect. That’s what we do.

Truth3

Truth is never lost!

The car starts, the petrol bunks have fuel, laptops fire up, mails start pouring in, the notifications and alerts on your smartphone never cease, your kids wake up, your mother makes breakfast, your friends remember your birthday, you go to a movie and the caramel popcorn is waiting to be crunched, and yeah, life goes on.

Why do we never understand the immensity of Life? Why do we constantly think that Life has got to be something more? Purpose, clarity, goal, objectives, potential, ambition, desire, aspiration, striving, struggling, do more, be more, have more, grow more, more, more, more. But why? For what? To what end? I don’t really know.

I do know this – my meltdown today may be important to me. But in the context of Life and the Universe, it’s not even a mole on a tiny grain of sand. Life is too big. Too large-hearted.Too much. Why do we try and make it small with our limited thinking?  Got to smell the roses to realise that Life is fragrant, while we’r too busy worrying about the thorns! Tsk tsk!

We’re so finite in its infinite-ness! When will we learn?

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Appreciate Life!

Gratitude Makes For An Epic Life!

Piglet noticed that even though he had a Very Small Heart, it could hold a rather large amount of Gratitude.” ― A.A. Milne, Winnie-the-Pooh 

And that my friends is the lesson of the day. Whatever it is that you are, you aspire to be, you strive to be, and whatever it is you are not, don’t forget to be grateful to The Universe, the Cosmos, The Power, God or that inexplicable energy that runs our lives as we know it, to be grateful.

Gratitude is not something that can be easily explained. It needs to be experienced, to be felt at the core of your being.

Today I am grateful for my life. Period. For all that’s there and all that there’s not. For all the people who sustain me,love me, support me, even if they are a handful, I am grateful. Thank you for this life.

What has been keeping me in deep inquiry for the past so many days are some of these questions:-

1) if I could relive my life until now,what would I change and why?

2) if I could make a few small incremental changes to my life right now, what would they be?

3) if I didn’t have to worry about money and the lack of it, what would I do in my life right now?

4) if I had to choose between Fears – Fear of Failure and Fear of Success what would I be inclined towards and why?

5) if I want to live an epic life what should I be doing differently today, now, at this minute?

6) what does an epic life really mean?

When I crack the definition of this last one, will share. Till such time, let me bask in the light of gratitude. Thank you.

 

 

 

 

 

The Little Big Moments Of Joy!

“Walk as if you are kissing the Earth with your feet.”

Thich Nhat Hanh

We’re always looking for the BIG stuff. The big car, the big house, the opulent interiors, the big bank account, the big brand names, the big donations, the big names we know ( may not know, but in this age of you-are-who-you-know as long as you can name drop, you’re happening dude)’ the big vacations, the big schools our children go to, the big clubs we’re members of, the big restaurants we eat at, the big thrills and experiences, the big book launch that we’re invited to, the big runs, the big everything.

Today Big is business. You may be small, you may be mean, you may not be humane, you may not believe in reducing your carbon footprint, you may not even know what TED stands for or never chide your fancy chauffeur of your big fat limo on how he’s not suave enough to slip past a traffic cop, but hey wait a minute, you’ve got swag, you’re the King of Mammon and whaddya know, you’re suddenly big.

But when you’re alone in your corner office, sitting in your car watching people struggle to reign in their snarls in traffic, or waiting for your next big appointment to strike the next big deal, it is in those infinitesimal moments that you sometimes have an epiphany ( if you grant yourself the permission to do so that is), about:

a) your child’s tubby finger not letting go of your finger when you were kissing her goodbye before leaving to sit in big meetings with big people about big decisions for big monies.

b) flaring your nostrils when the rains decide to vent their frustration only for the Earth to release her inimitable scent and envelope you in an unfathomable desire to dance with abandon.

c) dancing to “Y-M-C-A” and brandishing your ladle while stirring pasta in and relishing the aroma of your own unfettered happiness.

I won’t add to the list as I know that you’d have a gazillion more moments to dip into, so different from mine, and yet bound by one common thread – the thread of simplicity. My mon and I for instance squeal like 2 year olds when we change the cushion covers, hang up freshly laundered curtains, when Roger Federer unexpectedly beats Nole or when we have a lick of ice cream and go “yummmmmm” and roll our eyes, push out our tongues and look at each other and grin like Cheshire cats. Oh these moments I tell you, sheer Joy Inside ( Intel can go make another chip, while I enjoy the chocolate chip, uh oh PJ I know but see, couldn’t resist it)!

Have you wondered ever why you feel so excited when the traffic lights are all green on those inexplicably blissful days, or how the asinine security guard actually greets you or how your Outlook doesn’t crash and how you get an unexpected  email acknowledging your work on the presentation, or how when you get the call that the loan you applied for to start your business has been sanctioned or how when you go to the movie theatre, you manage to get the last 2 tickets and catch the movie, or how that really dishy looking guy actually smiles at you in the crowded elevator or how the retail assistant gets you a Size S when you are a size L?

It’s about the little big moments in Life that really makes us give a high five to Life, a little Hurrah, a little bow. Because if you really took a big pause right about now and thought about why you love Life and what makes it worth it, well, am dead certain you’ll be thinking of how the sun suddenly threw aside the cloud cover to bathe you in sunshine on a particularly dull day.

From now on, just count the little big moments of your life and when you add them up you will see that you’ve lived a Big Life. Small wonder eh!