I’m sitting here, at 11.11 pm IST, knowing that I must put out something since I have got a rhythm going for posting my blogs and don’t want to slip up and fall off the wagon once again as I did months ago and wondering what the hell to write as I usually have something that I take note of and make it a point to note it down in my mental Evernote and think, “hmmm…I’m gonna write about this today,” and I sit down to write it but today, tonight as I sit down to write, what strikes me first is the amount of spam that I somehow manage to accrue, like grease on a frying pan accumulated after years of frying and oil and fat and what-not and how the folks at WordPress.com can’t really do anything and I start wondering about why are there trolls and what do these bots or people get out of spamming people’s innocuous blog posts with crap that even they wouldn’t understand and what secret deadly mission are they accomplishing by littering my blog space with crap like this and then go on to think about the spam which mostly seems to be for porn sites or pornographic material or stuff of some sort but most of it is gibberish AND most of it seems to be generated from one blog post of mine and how I from there my mind wanders to the ‘lousy clients’ and how I have to somehow manage to keep my head above water as I seem to have expenses spiralling up and income spiralling down and how I seem to have lost my mojo and suddenly I feel desperation bubbling up and I know I have to hang on to my sanity as I wonder what I’d do if I suddenly found out if I had cancer and yes the mind is in a loop and I’m breathless.
I guess this is what determination and grit feels like. Doing what you need to despite how your heart, body and mind prance about in the opposite direction determined, yes absolutely determined to wreck your equilibrium and envelope you into dreaded negative patterns of thinking and being and doing.
I churned out this piece and however bizarre it might be, I’ve tried to make sense of that ‘blank’ feeling. I have perhaps become ‘comfortably numb’.