…that you can’t help but share.
You know for the longest time I’ve been reading about all these ‘life enhancement’ gurus and experts, entrepreneurs who’ve made it big in the online or offline world, I’ve been listening to podcasts and interviews by Marie Forleo and Srinivas Rao, Chase Jarvis and Lewis Howes and they’ve become a part of my almost daily routine (till I decide to go off the deep end or something, and my routine goes for a walk, like now 🙂 ). The people that these people interview or talk about make me believe that I can be anything and can do it, whatever ‘it’ is. It’s a feel-good, for sure and it can inspire you to a degree, but hey, you’ve got to do all the work. So I promise myself that I will and I do. Upto a point, till I fall off the grid. You see, I write my journals, I make my ‘to-do’ lists, I promise myself that I will:
a) walk, swim, do yoga, run, meditate – everyday. Then I realise that’s not a goal that I can keep, so I make another list and write down the frequency next to each task – thrice a week, four times a week, and so on. Then I realise that even that’s becoming difficult to really adhere to, so I start putting dates on them like 11th May and so on. That’s proving difficult too. I’ve never figured out what makes me stick to goals or not. I’ve asked these questions before and I’m still searching my soul for an answer.
b) blog at least thrice a week and calendarise it so that I get into a routine and that’s a good thing, or so every blogger, online guru, and everyone who is anyone tells you if you’re willing to listen. Routine, practice, discipline are all good things. Uh-huh, nothing really happens. As soon as I actually put my ‘to-do’ list down, I work very hard to break it.
c) Read, be intention-full and be positive. I am to a large extent all of these. I do read. I am full of intention and I am by and large positive. Of course I have my days when I can and do sit and howl and wonder what the hell am I doing with my life and where the hell is it really leading me or am I leading it and so on. The existential ramblings of an idle mind I suppose. Of a middle-aged crisis-ridden, lonely mind to be precise.
d) I am disciplined about work by and large and that thankfully is not something that I take lightly. It’s held me in good stead. But honestly, I don’t take anything I say or do lightly. I am always earnest about my intentions, always. :). (There’s a chasm as wide as the Grand Canyon between earnestness of your intentions and acting on them. This is where I’ve always struggled and I perhaps always will).
I don’t know if I’ve realised anything in all these years, to tell you the truth. You know, profoundly moving, interesting or meaningful dictums to lead my life by. I guess we all live our lives to the best of our ability and do the best we can to be good human beings. In fact I do feel sometimes that the more I read about how others have made ‘it’, having a successful business or life, both professional and personal, deep down in my subconscious I think it makes me feel more and more that it’s totally unachievable. After all, each of us is different and no matter what, I can take inspiration, I can whip myself into a frenzy, but at the end of the day, my circumstances, my personality, my attitude and my mindset are unique and I can try and emulate, but I will fail if I don’t listen to who I am. Because it’s not about trying to replicate something that someone’s done, it’s really about finding your path through the journeys of others. Reading about them helps and perhaps gives you a compass to follow. Then you’re on your own. :). (So who the hell am I dammit?)
I have no clue why I’m writing this. The words are flying off my keyboard and I’m letting them come to life. I’ve been meaning to write for 2 weeks now and I’ve always let it slide past, having enough justifications and excuses not to. Today however, I just finished seeing Bridges of Madison County with Meryl Streep and Clint Eastwood. Confession: movies make me cry. Love stories make me cry even more. When I was younger, I used to be very self-conscious about crying at movies, whether in a movie theatre or at home. Today, I can actually cry much more easily at a movie. The movie had some amazing dialogues that you can read on my Interesting Potpourri page or perhaps like me, you can decide to read the book if you haven’t read it already. I am going to.
Anyhow, so here I am, after the movie with tears running down my cheeks thinking about love and true love and how it doesn’t have to always be attainable or have two people living together happily ever after. I guess that’s why happy endings and ‘forever and ever’ and the ride into the sunset in a plume of pink tipped dreams are called ‘fairy tales’ :).
Everytime I see a movie, especially a romantic movie, I can manage to take any situation in the movie, or a character or even a dialogue and somehow make it mean about me. Do you ever do that? I guess, that’s why there’s such a strong emotional connect to these kinds of movies (for me at least). Anything that can move your heart and touch your soul means there’s something true, good and a deep-seated longing in it.
So yeah, I cried, and I’m still crying. Because like Francesca, I dream of dreams (of love) that perhaps can never be. I wonder like Robert if I can ever have that one moment of certainty that comes but once in a lifetime. I wonder in fact when and if love will ever obey my expectations. It’s still mysterious and so absolute that I find myself asking time after time after time, ‘will I be loved?’
Because at the end of the day when dusk turns into velvety night, and the stars come out all shiny and bright, when the breeze caresses the fronds of trees reaching out to the heavens above, when we turn off our lights and we bid adieu to the day gone by, when we allow our souls to whisper to us through our dreams, when we allow our fears and our loneliness and our desires to play their parts unbridled, when we settle down to wake up to the promise of days brimming with goodness and achievements and purpose and life, all I think we really want at the beginning and end of the day is to love and be loved.
And that is the truth that I keep seeking, I keep looking out for, I keep hoping for, fondly, with an aching heart. It’s the burden of promise that I’m waiting for, to be fulfilled. It seems to me with each passing day that for some of us, we know love, but it’s a mystery and it doesn’t obey our expectations :). And so I will, forever remain a seeker, for I may have known love in many different ways, but not the love that will obey my expectations. Tough luck eh?
So? I don’t know if there’s a connect between what I started out writing and what I’ve ended up sharing. All I wanted to say is, write when your heart is full. Write when you’re moved. Write and share and say and express and articulate and conceptualise when you feel your heart is going to burst with emotions. For then and only then will you really ring true. But the most important lesson of all? Find something to move you every minute of every day. If that’s too hard, find something to move you every day. Because to feel is to live. Is there any other way?