So how do you go about understanding men?

I have no clue. Am a loser as far as men and relationships go. I am at the end of my tether.

Everywhere you go you read this about relationships: be authentic, be genuine, be unafraid of saying what you want, stay positive, look deep and check your patterns of behaviour, maybe you attract unavailable men, maybe you’re commitment-phobic,don’t worry it’s not about you, it’s about him, dress like this, when they “reject” you it’s not really “rejection” but their own issues that they’re dealing with, when he says this what he means is actually that, don’t appear needy, don’t give up your boundaries, don’t say yes when you mean no, be confident, be self-assured, don’t nag, don’t this, don’t that….God!!! Really? Has all of this really worked ever???? Are we now supposed to go out with a little blueprint of the billion and one scenarios etched out and our “perfect” and ‘desired” response to them? Have man-woman relationships always been about manipulation?

So I actually do some “inner work” because somehow something is always wrong with me and nothing I do is ever “good enough” for the guy. I can do exactly what all the “experts” tell you to practice and “call in the one”, but where I’m concerned nothing seems to be working. Nothing. Zilch. Nyet. Zero. Nothing. I refuse to believe that I’m unlovable, or not smart or not a fantastic human being who genuinely deserves the best. But nope, even that kind of belief, or affirmation doesn’t hold any water.

If I give the guy space, it’s too much space. If I show that I get upset then I’m too emotional. If I am concerned or caring then I’m too much. If I say what comes naturally to me then it perturbs the guy because he seems to be hearing what he wants (what could be wrong with that?). If he asks and I say yes I can do that and that and that, it’s like I’m superwoman. If I text and expect a response and it doesn’t come, it’s okay because he’s busy.  If I ask why haven’t you responded, then I’m demanding, if I spontaneously call and surprise you, calls aren’t answered because, ‘sorry I went sleep early!’ And then when it suits him, he can just stop communicating, because it’s easier to ignore a flesh and blood human being who is on the other side of the world and the phone by ignoring than actually having to meet and say, “I’m sorry”. Yup, it’s fine, who am I after all? All I’m supposed to do is have a “dark night of the soul” and entreat and beseech and cry my heart out and ask the Universe and the God that I believe in, “don’t I deserve a break?”

But for God’s sakes, something’s gotta give! I am tired, so bloody tired. I just am me. I’ve worked hard to figure out that maybe there’s some energy which I send out to the Universe which says, “You’re a no-go on relationships” and every relationship will end up in failure. It does. It’s a self-fulfilling prophecy and no amount of counselling, deep soul cleansing or  re-wiring my brain seems to bring “miraculous” results in 7 weeks or whatever s#@t the authors sucker us into believing.

And so while I continue to lick my emotional wounds, the Earth continues to revolve around the sun, day follows night and the men continue to desert me. I look in the mirror and ask myself, “why?” and I have to be honest, there are no answers that satisfy me. Perhaps like my friend suggested, I have to surrender and not ask “why” but ask “how can I take this painful situation too in my stride?” Day after day after day, for years now I’ve had to lick my wounds in lonely misery and I don’t know what or how or when or…anything. Life sucks right now! And I can’t keep up the pretense of being emotionally strong. Not today. Not when all I want to do is curl up and disappear for ever. And I’m too broken to really talk to myself and go to the “root” of the issue as I’ve done in the past. Nothing helps. It seems everything that I want to believe in is giving up on me and having a laugh. All I know is I’m in pain. I’m hurting and I don’t know how to self-soothe. It’s just not fair dammit!

I don’t understand you man. Period.

It’s about wanting what you got! Or is it?

Your life in toto. If you start listing down everything that you’re unhappy with and would love a life make-over, am pretty darned sure your list would go something like:

  1. The body – suck your breath, suck your breath, yeah, that’s the flat stomach I want.
  2. The body parts – Legs, arms, butt, butt hair (?), chest (or my upper lip). Sigh!
  3. The car – that’s all I can afford man! It’s a rusty, crusty ole fart, but it gets me from one place. What I wouldn’t give for the Ford Ecosport!
  4. The job – now let’s not even go there. Puhleeeese! I get an aneurysm when I think of the work, the pay, the boss, the commute, the late hours, the travel, the s#$t!
  5. The house – my friend just got that cool 100,000 $ duplex in that great ‘burb. Look at mine, sheesh! If only…
  6. The significant other – he/she’s good. Great. But you know the nagging, the sloppiness, the procrastination, the insecurity, man, it can be pretty intense sometimes you know what I mean? You at least got a nag. Me? I’ve been single so long that I long for a nag.
  7. The parents/ family – they’re getting older, sometimes they’re a pain, but definitely okay. (And for some you may not want to really get into a conversation about your parents as that might require therapy which is charged by the hour).
  8. The friends – I don’t have any. I have many, but some suck. I have a few and they’re great. But they’re always doing things without me and makes me wonder if they care.
  9. The money – hell hath no fury as Mammon scorned! So we shall we suffering from lack of it in perpetuity (or so we like to kid ourselves).
  10. The politics – the govt. sucks, the corporates suck, the environment sucks, the activists suck, the bloody world sucks man. It’s gone to the dogs I tell ya!
  11. The future – do I have one? I don’t know. I feel headless, directionless, pointless, powerless, helpless, purpose-less, listless, yeah! Can I feel more direction-less?
  12. The past – don’t get me started on that one.
  13. The present – what?

Your “BOO HOO LIST” matches this more or less? Well, it doesn’t really have to match, because that’s not the point of this post. There’s always room for more (wink! wink!). But hey, if you care to notice, there’s this whole cavalcade of “More & More”  gurus who’re on this trip of how we can always be more, do more, feel more, make more, drive ourselves more, build more, more, more more. Give me a break!!! The more brigade urges us to ‘see the light’, the assumption being and correctly so, that we’re blinded by our dark sides, unable to see what we’ve been blessed with. Yes, of course it’s human nature to strive more, to be more curious and explore and seek and all of that shebang.

No one said being human is not unique, you bet your bottom dollar it is. We’ve all got our own unique “BOO HOO LISTs” :). And the humdinger is that we all come from the same source, so in a sense we’re all equal and are in the pursuit of one thing – happiness. And our equality is no more apparent than in our collective disgruntlement at the state of our lives. And everywhere you go, everywhere you turn, everywhere you see, everywhere you read, everywhere you listen, what do you hear? Exhortations of how you can do better, that you don’t have to carp about your oh-so-dull-meaningless-life and meditate and practice yoga and just “vision” the chakras and “feel” the energy.

Yeah right! If it was that simple, we’d all be in Utopia right now, swigging Jack Daniels or sipping on a Long Island Iced Tea and laughing our heads off at the suckers who haven’t got it and be asking them to “look here, look here I say, breathe, inhale, exhale, s…l…o…w…l…y!”.

I walk, practice yoga and meditation and journal and have a good cry (as I did today), pray, feel positive on most days, am mindful of what I eat, have a great set of friends (bless them!) and family (double bless them!) and all of that, and yet….Yet, there are days like today, when my Boo Hoo List gets longer and I just want to fling it at the Heavens and scream, “why is it so difficult to be me?” The loneliness of being alone with your loneliness is the scariest of them all. And then it comes to you like a flash – it’s not about getting what you want, it’s never been about getting what you want. It’s always been about wanting what you got. 

How much do you really really want, what you really really got? Think about it and let me know. It’d be great to exchange notes. And hey, if you like what you read, why don’t you share? Sharing is after all caring :).

Have a great weekend. And soak up the sun! And the sun doesn’t have to be that ball of fire in the sky. The sun is within.

What do you do when you don’t know?

Don’t know what? Well, don’t know anything about anything. Or perhaps you know but just won’t admit to it. Like when you get that horrid constricted feeling in your gut that it’s going to be one of “those” days. Gosh!

Aren’t there days when you wake up and go: “I wish I didn’t have to wake up and face today?”  Yeah, I know! Me too.

Today, I woke up pretty early as I’m wont to, 5.15 am is when my alarm shrilly rings in my ear, and I promptly slide it to ‘snooze’ (yes, slide it, this is the age of the smartphone remember? lol) and curl up and turn to the other side. But you know as well as I do that once the alarm goes off, consciousness has insidiously crept into your groggy sleep-infused brain like tea-bag that you dip into the cup of warm water, and it’s time for the quest of a great day to begin. Curtain rolls please!

I completed my walk listening to The Unmistakable Creative’s podcast and came home. I knew something was amiss because when my friend didn’t respond to the text, I sensed it, before I even knew it. I tried to take my mind off by checking on some app on my phone and then texted back saying, “I’m off to do my yoga, so hey, you take care and bye.” And I promptly set about my practice of yoga and meditation. The response didn’t come. It left me feeling very disturbed. I sensed it. I watched my favourite “The West Wing” (repeat telecast as I sometimes miss the night show as it’s too late and I’m busy yawning) and then showered. Now my bathroom is the one place where I get my ideas, where I have my chat, where I am myself really, literally and figuratively naked. I knew I was BSing with myself with some spiel that was really hard to swallow. I knew then that it was time to just stay with the feeling, recognise it for what it is and then move on. This wasn’t the first time I felt this way, and it certainly wasn’t going to be the last. I got out my journal and I started writing. And it helped me immensely. Journaling always does. It’s different from writing a blog. Let’s just say that these are 2 very different books authored by me shall we? :).

Anyway to get to the ‘what do you do when you don’t know?’ story. Tell me honestly, cross your heart, what and how do you feel when:

a) you’re getting ready for appraisal with the boss the night before or the morning of the appraisal? does the entire year flash before your eyes and you know where you’ve gone wrong but are determined to BS your way at the appraisal with sheer bravado and some convoluted justification?

b) you’re getting ready to receive a promotion at work and you go, “what did I do to deserve this?” or alternatively, “God, it’s come too late, but I’ll take it,” or “thank you for your blessings, this is fantastic?”

c) you’re getting ready to pop the question to the lovely woman you’ve been dating for months and she calls up apologising for being late, shows up in a foul mood and doesn’t really care how long you’ve been waiting (with bated breath and imagination)?

d) you get into your car after that last tequila on top of a Cosmo or a vodka or a shandy and a Black Russian and wave your hand in a “adios amigos” confident gesture and you turn on the ignition of your car? honestly, doesn’t it ever cross your mind that “what if…?”

e) you button up your shirt hastily the morning after, looking for your heels and bag, casting a furtive look at the man lying on his back, with his tousled hair and boyish charm, and pick up your cell phone to hear your husband’s voice apologising, “darling, I’m sorry, I had to stay for the signing of the deal, I’ll make it up to you promise, muah!”?

f) you wait for that text message in response to yours and you’re watching a rom com and want to fling something at somebody, anybody because you can’t bear the wretched don’t-know-what’s-going-on unsettling, all consuming need to find out?

g) you hold your parent’s hand and enter the cardiologist’s office, flash forwarding to scenarios which complete a cataclysmic cycle from death to life and beyond in that infinitesimal moment just before you raise your hand to knock at the door?

h) your best friend is constantly critical of your every choice of food, restaurant, book, and you can feel the bile rising up when she predictably makes a disparaging comment, yet you make-believe that you absolutely value everything she says because she’s so much better than you will ever be? (which is so-not-true, but you don’t have the heart and the courage to admit it, because the “IV” has us on a drip that goes, “you’re not good enough!”)

i) when your teenaged daughter/son, gulp their milk/tea/coffee, pretend to eat their breakfast, grab their backpack or knapsack, say a “bye” and you watch them get on their bike and head for…?

You know right? Your body doesn’t lie. You know when something is wrong, you can feel it. That feeling of un-ease. Something that makes you want to weep, scream, jump up and down like there were ants in your pants literally. That slightly faster beat of the heart, thudthudthudthudthud, not thud thud thud thud. The ADD when you’re watching a movie and everything’s a blur because you’re imagining what transpired just before any of the above scenarios (or a gazillion different more) played out right? You always know. Because when something is wrong, it’s a feeling you can’t discard, like a blood stain on a white shirt. You can talk yourself out of feeling it, but it’s there, and it won’t go away. What you don’t really know is how it’s all going to pan out, the next minute, hour, day, week, month, year or lifetime later? That’s the killer isn’t it? Knowing that life is going to change, just how and when and where is what you’re heart is itching to know. God!!

What do I do? I have a dialogue with myself. I recognise the feeling for what it is. I honour it. I let it be. I inhale. I exhale. I pray. I think of now. And I place my hand over my heart and say, “I love you, no matter what, because there’s no one like you and you are God’s child. He has your back.”

Ask yourself this:

Perhaps, it’d be good to feel what you feel. Touch it in your body. Breathe into it. Honour it. Remember that fear is a feeling like Terri Cole says. And feel the now. Because there’s no other way to be except present. This moment, right here, right now.



Is it the end of the world? Really?

No, I haven’t got anything new to add.

Yes, there are times when we bloggers don’t have a point of view or anything original to say. It may be called blogger’s block, to paraphrase from another well known phrase and it can cause some consternation or sometimes panic, but deep inhalation and exhalation can perhaps help alleviate the panic and instill some calm to the mind that is used to jumping up and down and threatening to go ballistic, just like the way our media, online, offline, and TV all go ballistic proclaiming every second that the world is mean, harsh, people are bad and yes the world is well neigh near its very end, more likely the end of its tether and is perhaps also fulminating to spout a new volcano, raise a tsunami or just cause a polar vortex that has entire cities of millions freezing like never before, that too at a time where all people really need is a lot of warmth, love and connection, but connections too are so transient and ephemeral and so embedded in the ether that the real, body-to- body, face-to-face, intangible but deeply felt connections, the kind that makes your heart sing, zing, grin is hardly ever felt and so we choose to move deeper into the vortex of net-working, but of the ether-eal kind (you know, the ubiquitous Internet), to keep out the cold, the loneliness and hope to feel love and happiness and joy and abundance and instead are constantly bombarded with news that says, “hey you know what, are you listening or watching, but the world we live in is a real bad-ass and you’ve been given a raw deal and if you don’t feel nauseous you’re not human, you’re probably from the X-files” and on and on and on goes the chatter shattering our peace, our minds and causing so much of an upheaval of the mind, the heart and everything else, that you do feel that you sometimes live in the worst country ever or have the worst life ever or the planet is infested with the worst humans ever since the genesis of humankind on Planet E and you tear your hair out thinking how do I save it, what can I do and then get on board the carousel of the unforgiving mind and you wish you could be one of the protagonists from The Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind and actually erase your memory selectively and only remember saccharine sweetness, but then too much sugar can cause diabetes and that leads to medication which in turn can cause BP or some blood clotting and then your minds goes into a tailspin of “if only I hadn’t consumed so much of the rich stuff and had taken more care of what I ingested” and you realise that life isn’t about regrets and the past, it’s more about this moment, this breath, now, and that all you really have to do is not worry if the world is coming to an end, but just go out there and do and be the best you can, and be evolved and don’t be sorry that you are a human, invested with all the traits and emotions that only humans are blessed with, including greed, jealousy, rage, distrust and all the other 7 deadly sins that the Bible talks about, so hey, yeah as I was saying, go out there and do the best you can, be the best you can, and you will somehow have contributed to making the world a better place, because if the world could be wiped out and we could start on a clean slate, I can assure you that we would still be in a mess as we are today and would still loot, plunder, kill, lie, cheat, for power and pelf, for despite all the enlightenment,education, progress and ‘evolved’ people we have grown up to be, the one fact that remains is that we are human and we are like this only. Phew!

Go on, start shaking a leg to this song, because we certainly didn’t start the fire, but for God’s sake we could try and put the wrong ones out and keep the good ones burning, including the ones for change. You with me or what?