Self-talk – what’s your dialogue?

Scenario 1 – So I was Whatsapping a friend and he wasn’t responding. I checked with him and he finally said that he was a bit pre-occupied and busy. I shrugged and said okay and went about my day as usual. But something about it was obviously bugging me.

Scenario 2 – I was there at the school at 8.30 am. The function was to start at 9.00 am and get over by 9.20 am or so. I was to be back home by 9.30 am. Simple really. But it turned out that I waited till 10.40 am and the principal of the school was nowhere in sight. So I decided to make an excuse and head home. I had work to finish. As I headed towards the exit the receptionist told me, “the principal is upstairs looking for you” so I rushed up to meet her. I made the same excuse about getting late as I had to be someplace else and got an appointment from her for another day. I rushed out and I wanted to bawl. I almost did.

While walking home from the school, I had a dialogue with myself. Here’s how it went:

What’s bugging you? That I was so kind and generous with my time and patience and wasted 2.5 hrs doing nothing. Isn’t my time important? I could’ve completed a few sundry tasks back home. I let them take me for granted. I was ingratiating myself and bending over backwards to accommodate their wishes. I was hurting myself.

Nope, that’s not it. What’s bugging you? Well, the truth is, I am  actually feeling rejected. I feel that I don’t matter. Aah! And where was this stemming from? From the friend’s response the previous day when he said, ‘I’m working, been busy and pre-occupied.”So? You could swap places and you could say the same to other friends some day. In fact you have been abrupt and pre-occupied and not responded when some of your friends call, so what is it that’s really bugging you?That I felt rejected. That’s what’s bugging me. That my self-worth depended on how I interpreted what someone genuinely meant and I was a meaning-making monstress and I was nursing a sense of  dejection. And I was feeling so insecure. My insecurities were killing me.  My God!

So why not look at what you actually did right? You were gracious and kind and flexible and accommodating and patient when it came to the school. And you were understanding and sensitive and gave your friend the space he needed. What’s to feel miserable about?

I want to bawl, because I still feel miserable about it. Ok, sure, go ahead, you’ve got 5 minutes to feel miserable. That’s it. Over and out.

And that was that. I felt lousy, down in the dumps but that talking to really helped. I realised that sometimes we need to:

  • Give ourselves a dressing-down in no uncertain terms – doesn’t mean you need to be harsh on yourself, it just means asking the right questions.
  • Ask the right questions and language it well. 
  • Recognise that there’s something deeper that’s at variance with what appears on the surface.
  • Be honest with ourselves. For God’s sake, be honest!
  • Always remind ourselves that, “I love you” and that the Universe has our back. Oh yes baby, this one’s big!
  • Hug ourselves and jump with joy when we get out of that miserable shitty space in 5 minutes :)…LOL. It’s tough, I tell you. Don’t believe me? Go on, try it. And then come back here to share :).
  • Allow ourselves to feel good and listen to our own words that egg us on. Be kind, that’s all our souls ask us.
  • Believe in our own resilience and ability to come up trumps. Why in the name of all that is Holy do we propel ourselves so easily down the rabbit hole?

It is crucial to learn self-soothing and self-healing. Thanks to all the inner work I undertook last year, it’s really come in handy. Oh by the way, it doesn’t necessarily work every time. Some times you actually want to call someone and cry your heart out for no apparent reason. Some times you actually do want to curl up and feel miserable because misery gives you happiness. Some times you do want to slam the door, throw a vase, scream so loud that the Universe trembles. Yeah, sure, I get that. But some times only! Why do it every time and pass up on moments that could bring us unbridled happiness and joy? What gives!

What gives is that we’re humans. And we’re fallible. But thank God for that! There’s so much to learn when we make mistakes. And that’s so thrilling. Far better than being boringly perfect :).

Have a lovely week. Take good care of yourselves wherever you are.

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